Hey there sportsfans, a happy new year to the lot of you (except you, you know who you are). In the spirit of the season, which I’m trying desperately to hang onto despite not having leave in like six months, I’ve compiled a list of things every gamer wanted for Christmas. And since I’m a bitter cynic, I’ve only included things nobody got.
The Emperor XT
This is one of those things you didn’t know existed, but now that you do you realise you’ve wanted it your whole life. Seriously, can you imagine playing Police Quest on this mofo?
I assume it’s called the Emperor because when you sit in one people do what you tell them to. They’re too afraid there’s a button on there somewhere that will Minority Report them out of existence.
I could list off the specs, but I don’t really need to. It’s good for your back, apparently, which is the only relevant spec since it’s how I plan to get Discovery to pay for mine. A fully spec’d out version (and honestly, nobody wants the 2-liter SLK) will set you back about $9000, which is like R150,000. Or, if you’re reading this a day late, about R170,000.
A Stable Economy
Hey while we’re on the topic of the Rand riding a Segway off a cliff, wouldn’t it be nice to buy games for less than the price of a complete Inspector Morse box set or a Google Chromecast or Russell Hobbs Digital Slow Cooker?
Being a PC gamer, I generally spend all my money on hardware and then exclusively play free-to-play garbage like League of Legends that can run on a potato. But trust me when I tell you that I pump those 2007-level graphics to Ultra.
Console gamers have recently seen prices spike to the R1000 mark for some titles, however, and I can’t imagine that’s sustainable. I don’t think I could bring myself to spend that much, but then again I didn’t think I could spend money on a slow cooker either. As a side note, slow cookers are the bomb, seriously. You can be the laziest asshole in the world and still serve a stew like you’re on the finals of Come Dine With Me.
Bobby Kotick’s Resignation
Look, I know that if we cut the head off the hydra that is Activision, another will be bound to take its place. I mean look at Hitler, after he died, everything was still… no, wait, everything was awesome again.
Kotick is really good at making money, and really bad at PR. He’s what every gamer will tell you is everything that is wrong with the gaming industry, with a copy of Call of Duty Ghosts hidden behind his back.
Kotick might not be the first person to prioritise profits over prudence (alliteration game on point), but he was the first person to make it sexy. Still, a little internet-pitchfork action ending with Kotick waddling off to a non-extradition island for crimes against humanity would have really perked up my Christmas.
It’s like that time that dude said people with shitty internet shouldn’t buy Xboxes and we took his job and his family and his will to live. Ah, good times internet, good times.
The Mad Catz Strike 7
You know when you watch those end-of-the-world flicks where something large is going to kill all of us before we get a chance to play Half-Life 3 and then a ragtag group of astronauts with complex emotions forge intimate relationships in space before saving the day?
There’s always that cut to NASA mission control where everybody throws coffee cups in the air and hugs each other, like that’s not an absurd health-and-safety hazard. Anyway, this keyboard makes the computers in that control room look like the toaster at your grandma’s house that she bought at the hyperrama four decades ago that refuses to die.
Hilariously, the marketing for this product goes on about its macro abilities as there’s “no time to look away from the screen”, when they attached a secondary screen to the damn thing anyway. I’m baffled as to why a keyboard needs a screen, other than to play Minesweeper while you wait for your game to load because you couldn’t afford an SSD after buying this thing.
Still, none of that matters because you have a freakin’ screen attached to your keyboard. You might as well bring a wheelbarrow of money into Sandton City and then poop on it outside the Louis Vuitton store.
Like I was going to leave this out, please. I could make a list of my top ten shower gels and I’d work Half-Life 3 into it. As long as we continue to acknowledge its potential existence, we keep it alive.
I’m really just waiting for HBO to make a Half-Life series so that Gaben will be forced to finish 3 before the show’s storyline overtakes the games. Not that it worked for Game of Thrones, mind you.
As an aside, how amazing would an HBO Half-Life series be? I would peddle meth to pre-school children to make that happen.
So NAG collective, what did you want for Christmas and didn’t get? Please don’t say “someone who cares” because that’s just awkward for everyone.