We’re now well into 2016. At the start of the new year, I’m sure many of you made some or other resolution to get fit or to lose weight – but there’s a good chance that by now you’re already over that and have returned to eating Doritos party packs for lunch and topping your double-thick milkshakes with jelly beans.
See, we’re gamers, and we need a workout routine that incorporates the things we already love. What you’ll find below is a brief health-and-fitness guide formed around video gaming that I put together. Personal trainers hate me, hit the jump to learn why!
Alright lard-butts, the first thing we’ve got to do is get you moving, so let’s do some aerobics. In case you didn’t know, “aerobics” is a fancy term for “running and jumping and stuff”. And what game embodies this principle better than Counter-Strike?
So here’s how we do it: first, pick a place to work out. It can be a field, a street, your garden or a really large room. You’re going to start at a medium-pace jog, but don’t swing your arms! Counter-Strike players carry guns, they don’t swing their arms. Anyway, once you’ve got a sweat going, start jumping. Run a few steps, then jump a few times. This will get your heart pumping and your legs working. While you’re jumping, you’re going to want to envision how an animal would do this in nature. Like a rabbit. A jumping rabbit. That’s a good name! We’ll call these “Rabbit Jumps“.
Alright couch-surfers, now that the sweat is rolling and a deep burn is setting in, you’re ready for phase two. You know what time it is, bro? It’s time to get swole. We’re gonna get you stacked. It’s time to get python-strength arms so big that herpetologists name a holiday after you. Bro, do you even lift? You will now…
Let’s get real: building muscle requires that you pick up lots of stuff. And what game consistently makes you pick up lots of stuff? Fallout, that’s what. So put on a backpack and start walking around picking up stuff. Lift it, flex a bit and put it in your backpack. Good, that was the first step. Now, find something else and repeat the first step, but use your other arm. Continue in this fashion until your flexing makes the weather channel issue a thunderstorm warning.
By now you’re probably hungry. The thing is, a healthy lifestyle isn’t just about lifting weights or doing Rabbit Jumps™ – it’s about eating healthy and being careful with what goes into your body. As a guideline, you might have heard about the Banting diet. You might have also heard about Final Fight. These two are related.
Look at Mike Haggar from Final Fight. He’s a former wrestler turned New York City mayor, with muscles so big they’ve grown muscles of their own. Now, do you see him eating any carbs? No, because carbs are bad. Mike Haggar only eats the finest of meats, usually turkey and beef. He only shops at the Beatdown Emporium, where the only currency they accept is Punches. You might shop elsewhere, and they might not have turkey, but that shouldn’t stop you from eating like Mike Haggar.
Plenty of wholesome, protein-rich lean meat. Oh, and kale. Kale is really good for you too.
Alright, so by now we’ve burnt off the fat, packed on the muscle and consumed whey too much protein. [HA! – Ed.] It’s only a matter of time before you receive the Internet equivalent of a glove-slap to the face: the challenge to fight IRL. Follow the instructions below, and you’ll be the terror of the message boards.
Let’s focus on boxing, because we don’t have the time to stretch your hips enough for a decent roundhouse. Here’s what you’ve got to do: plant your feet at roughly shoulder-width apart and raise your hands to cover your face, arms bent and elbows tucked in. Now, sway to the left, moving only at the hips as if you’re dodging a deadly blow. As you sway back to your default stance, punch with a left uppercut. Now repeat the exercise on the right, and continue alternating like that, swaying and punching ten times. For the next ten, add another punch to each rep. For example, follow-up your left uppercut with a right cross. Keep doing this until you have a long combo going that will utterly dismantle any fool who dares test you.