News I Don’t Care About – February 2016

half-life 3

I was stuck on what to write about this week, and then I realised I hadn’t bitched about everything everyone else is writing in a while. If you haven’t read this particular column before, let me tell you about my process. I throw on some Justin Bieber, spend six hours playing a Peter Molyneux game and two days reading the News24 comments section, until I’m salty and cynical enough to trawl the internet for the most offensively stupid pieces of news to insult. So if you’re having a bad day or just want to spoil a good one, hit the jump.

Oculus will win the VR race of 2016

Giant who cares there, John. The only people buying a VR headset in 2016 are the same people who buy those ultra-realistic, life-sized sex dolls.

If you happen to have enough money left over after building the monstrous rig that can actually properly utilise a Rift, I suppose you can have your butler pick one of these up for you to rub one out on your private jet.

There’s a reason every stock image of VR has someone making an O-face, and that’s because the only people buying these are those without partners or responsibilities and the requisite amount of excess cash and loneliness to fork out R10K on a new way to fondle their flesh-fedora.

Kim Kardashian’s mobile game is really popular

Kim Kardashian could shit in a jam jar and sell it on E-bay as art. Anything she does being popular is about as surprising a new Call of Duty game being announced for November.

My favourite part about this article is that the game is promoted as being “authentic”, which is hilarious considering her career is built on a “reality” show which is about as reliable as Bruce Jenner’s gender.

If you want to learn more about this enchanting mobile experience, click here.

Don't click that link. You're better than that.
Don’t click that link. You’re better than that.

Xbox One and PC graphics comparison gifs

Comparing the graphics on Xbone and PC is like comparing me and Dane doing ballet pirouettes – we all know Dane’s delicate poise is going to crush me. Plus his ass looks way better in a tutu.

Point is, somebody’s R20K PC is probably going to handily take down a R5K console. The person who makes these gifs is just the same kind of asshole who gets a Porsche from his daddy and tries to race the Polo Vivo at the robots.

Also who’s writing this stuff like it’s news? Smart money says it’s a PC gamer who’s so insecure he listens to motivational CDs while taking bathroom selfies. Or perhaps it’s just someone who has an Honourary Doctorate in Clickbait. As a recipient of such an award myself, I can tell you it’s a power which should be wielded responsibly at all times.

Half-Life 3

That’s right, I’m done getting excited about this. Somebody somewhere trawled through some code in some Valve-related thing this week and found a reference to Half-Life 3. Queue “confirmed” spam.

I just know Gaben is sitting in a jacuzzi full of ice-cream giggling his ass off every time he has the team put another one of these stupid references in. “Listen, Gabe,” one brave codemonkey sputters, stepping forward from the pack, “I don’t think the fans deserve this.”

Gaben doesn’t break eye contact as he stands, wiping some Vanilla with Salted Caramel Haagen-Dazs off his brow. “Guards!” he barks.

“No, no, Gaben please – not that, I’m sorry, I’ll write the code myself, I-“

“SILENCE!” Gaben shouts, Limited Edition Banana Split flavour pooling around his genitals. “Guards – take this man to the Team Fortress 2 development team.”

A gasp goes through the crowd, as the young man falls to his knees and begins to cry.

Boob physics

Now this is some top-shelf clickbait. The most depressing part is that it works – there’s a reason that PC Format used swimsuit models as the cover of a magazine that had content that was ostensibly about as far away from swimsuit models as one can get.

Still, I can’t help but feel sometimes that we’re all just shaved chimps who learnt how to wear pants; a couple of strands of DNA away from smearing poop on our faces and peeing on each other.

We’re all hypocrites too. I can tell you that I am saddened that games like Dead or Alive: Xtreme Beach Volleyball exist, but I can also tell you that I spent a sizeable chunk of my pre-adolescence testing every possible inappropriate camera angle in Tomb Raider – and don’t even get me started on the nude mods.

With the advent of VR, I give it five years before we’re all rolling around in turds.

I bet this article gets more hits if I make this the featured image. Stop it, stop looking at it.
I bet this article gets more hits if I make this the featured image. Stop it, stop looking at it.

The Witness is getting pirated, developer sad

Holy shit can we stop pretending piracy means something? Just because people are pirating Jonny Blow’s (I prefer calling him this because he sounds like a B-grade porn star) $40 indie, does not mean they were planning on buying it.

Let me explain this in terms the people who eat sand and bang rocks together can understand. If you’re walking down the street and somebody offers you a free ice creams, are you going to take one?

If you said “no” to this question you’re either a liar or a Vegan, and either way I don’t want to talk to you. Everybody takes something free, even if they don’t really want it. Maybe you don’t even really feel like ice-cream, but whatever, it’s free you can have a few licks and toss it.

Now you’re walking down the street and somebody offers you an ice-cream for R30. Do you buy one? Maybe, if you want an ice-cream. But you’re damn sure not going to bother otherwise. Piracy IS THE SAME THING. You go to some torrent site to download the latest episode of Real Housewives of Trashtown, and you notice The Witness torrent on the front page. “Why not?” you think, scratching your beard with your hook hand and readjusting your pegleg, “Might as well give it a try.”

So shut your trap Jonny Blow, and stop pretending your game was going to outsell Call of Duty if only it wasn’t for pirates. WAH.

P.S. If you clicked that Kardashian game link, shame on you, you got exactly what you deserved.