Fear and loathing in Johannesburg

fear and loathing

I’m not exactly sure what I’m writing about this week. I had a few topics in mind, but none of them seemed to stir something inside me in the way Natalie Portman’s shaved head or 2 Girls 1 Cup did.

What I can tell you is that I have enough salt coursing through my body right now that the Dead Sea would float on top of me. Or something. Goddam that’s a horrible metaphor.

It could be because I’ve had four hours of sleep, or the fact that my cellphone spontaneously died this morning or maybe it’s just the kind of existential crisis that besets millennials daily when they realise how shit everything is. Regardless, hit the jump for the ramblings of a man short on sanity and high on caffeine.

Since this is NAG, I’ll try keep the focus on gaming – I owe beleaguered editor Dane that much at least.

Call of Duty: Infinite Rands

As someone who wasn’t going to buy Call of Duty anyway, I’m still pissed off about the price. It’s probably because I know people will invariably pay it, which means other publishers will follow suit and this will be our new, dystopian AAA future we bought and paid for ourselves.

At this point I’m just not sure if any game is worth R1000+ to me. You’re paying the premium to play the latest and greatest thing. As I’ve become old and wiser (and cheaper) I’ve realised that there’s ways to game without auctioning off your organs. If I want to play a competitive FPS I can play CS:GO, if I want to play an RPG there are amazing ones a year or two old that sell for cheap and if I want to kill myself I can play League of Legends.

Another day, another PC snub

So you may have seen earlier this week that Warners Bros is releasing a new Batman collection or something – on consoles only.

Now this shouldn’t really piss me off because after the colossal cock-up that masqueraded as a PC game called Arkham Knight, I vowed to never purchase a WB game again. Unless, of course, I really wanted to, as is the gamer boycott tradition.

I think what maybe annoys me so much about this game not getting a PC release is that they didn’t even give me a chance to not buy it. It’s like spending a decade planning the ultimate revenge murder plot, and then your nemesis gets drunk and drives his Segway off a cliff.

He died doing what he loved.
He died doing what he loved.

Someone pointed out in the comments that these sorts of “remasters” may not be in the PC wheelhouse, but it’s too late I’m pissed off already.

I think the issue, really, is just that it irks me PC gaming is still so disrespected. After some extensive research (Googling) that included clicking up to one link, I can tell you that PC gaming is still more profitable than consoles. I own a PS4 now so I’ve had my master-race membership revoked, but it bothers me that the segment of the gaming community who spends the most on their hardware and optimising their playing experience are consistently given shoddy, afterthought ports that don’t even utilise that hardware properly.

Everything’s expensive

I’m at a real low point in my life right now – I’m staring down the barrel of playing FPS on console. My beautiful gaming-capable laptop has finally reached the point where it can no longer tolerate the demands of AAA games, and somewhere between getting married, buying a house and renovating my sex dungeon I forgot to put cash into my upgrade fund.

Since a decent rig will set one back around R15K these days my only chance at playing DOOM on PC is selling my ass on Empire Road. Which gives me two unappealing choices, both of which involve me holding a knob in my hand.

It appears, however, that I’ll be going for the knob attached to the PS4 controller as I begin my foray into the horror show that is FPS on consoles. Keep me in your prayers.

I have to learn to aim with those knobs. Like an animal.
I have to learn to aim with those knobs. Like an animal.

The Assassin’s Creed movie is going to suck isn’t it

Look I’ll be honest – I’m not really a fan of the franchise. It’s a Ubisoft game so as a PC gamer I have a moral objection to buying it; I suppose as a newly minted PS4 owner I’ll face a crisis of faith later this year.

Still, it’s a video game movie and they always suck. And I feel like I can’t be sold on the big-name-actor thing either, Prince of Persia had Jake Gyllenhaal in it and I’d rather push hot needles into my eyeballs and drink Ebola water than sit through that again.

So NAGillians, what rustled your jimmies this week?