Around three weeks ago (or some other interval which doesn’t make sense), I posted an incoherent rant that was tangentially related to gaming.
It was actually a cleverly disguised metaphor for “I have a deadline and nothing to write about”. Now once again I find myself with the literary direction and competence of a one-legged cat trying to bury a turd on a frozen pond, and Dane Remendes looming over me with a ball-gag in one hand and a paddle in the other.
Which he won’t use if I don’t get this column out in time, so here’s a rambling run-down of everything that’s pissing me off this week.
1 Like = 1 Dollar
You know those people who pull random horrific pics off Google Images, post it on Facebook and say “don’t scroll without saying Amen!”? If you’re one of those people who makes up the 20K comments on those pics here’s a trigger warning – I’m about to insult you.
People who comment on those posts are morons. They’re the type of people who have to hold their breath when they tie their shoelaces and who think Bridesmaids was a good movie. The snake-eyed sociopaths who post those pictures are abusing your low IQ and kind nature for monetisation of likes and page-shares, so stop being a slacktivist and sweep the cobwebs off the part of your brain that handles critical thinking.
What really rustled my jimmies this week however as I scrolled past yet another one of these morally devoid money-grabs is that while we scoff loudly at whoever in our friends list was comatose enough to type “Amen”, in another tab we refresh the updates page for an Early Access game we put money into three years ago that’s still in Alpha.
A completely unknown designer makes a lot of promises he/she can’t possibly keep and we type “Amen” right alongside our credit card numbers.
By “we” I of course mean the royal “we”. I’ve never put money into Early Access because I’m part of that special group of the population that can beat Forrest Gump in a chess match.
Zuma ruined gaming for me
When it comes to South African politics I mostly like to put my face into my pillow and wait for the bad man to stop hurting me, but the pain train has been sitting in the station so long I’m starting to wonder if it’s the wrong size for the tracks (heyooooooooooooo).
My PC has finally stopped effectively running the latest and greatest, which means I’m staring down the barrel of a costly upgrade. According to Wesley Fick, my hardware and spiritual guide, the “sweet spot” between value and performance is R15K. You know what I could buy for R15K?
About three shirts and a pair of jeans, if my recent trip to Edgars is anything to go by. I can scarcely afford to buy games that aren’t on some kind of absurd special, let alone upgrade the rig. Luckily I won’t have much room for gaming anyway, as I’ll be spending most of my free time watching YouTube tutorials on how to make my own clothes.
Astute readers may note I moaned about this last time. I will next time too. Send money.
Attack of the clones
I think I used this title before to describe this same thing, but since I’m moaning about a lack of originality I’ll just go for the irony angle and pretend it’s all on purpose.
The Witcher’s spin-off CCG Gwent is becoming its own standalone thing, joining the legion of other digital CCGs that have sprouted like weeds since people convinced themselves Hearthstone was a fun way to spend an afternoon.
Someone comes up with a good idea, is successful, and everyone else comes running in with their own half-assed attempts. It’s like that kid in school who got a kiss from the hot teacher after he brought her a chocolate, and the next day her desk looks like Wonka’s Factory.
Except you didn’t get a kiss, didn’t you? You got a pinch on the cheek and a gold star and went back to your tiny uncomfortable desk with revenge in your heart and a sticker on your face. Like a moron.
Nobody wants your stupid rip-off. Go make something original. I still have nightmares about the Karen Zoid cover of AC/DC I accidentally flipped to the other night; I can only imagine trying to plow my way through Ubisoft’s version of Hearthstone would be similarly traumatic.
Subscription based mobile games are about to be a thing
As if modern society needed another way for toddlers to exhaust their university fund on Mommy’s iPad, Apple will soon be allowing the world’s tiniest terrorists to execute the mobile gaming long-con, skimming a little off the top each month to tend to their strawberry fields and sweet smashing.
I can’t even imagine what kind of soul-searching I would have to do when I woke up one day and realised I paid a monthly subscription for something I play exclusively in line at the bank or on the toilet.
Imagine this: you’re having your ten minutes of toilet quiet time at work before trudging off to another meeting where everyone smiles behind their teeth and makes awkward conversation while trying to stop themselves from stealing glances at the ajar window wondering if the fall would be great enough to kill them if they went headfirst, typing “Amen” into a comment box on Facebook and a bank notification pops up telling you that R147 has gone through for your subscription to “Xtreme Viking Heroes 7”.
The sheer weight of that existential crisis would probably be enough to cause irreparable internal haemorrhaging, leaving you dead in a pool of blood and poop only for your picture to be harvested a decade later by a MyFace user to harvest “double thumbs ups” for advertising clicks. All because you bought an iPhone, you monster.
Nine out of ten people will scroll to shitpost in the comments without sharing this post! Are you brave enough? 97% of people aren’t! 1 Share = 1 NAG Bux