News I Don’t Care About – July

pokemon go

I sift through a lot of gaming news every week. Most of it is crap. In an effort to monopolise a finite number of eyeballs most websites seem to take the same approach to journalism that I do to nudist beaches – throw it all out there and see if you can get some interest.

Thus as a release valve to stave off my impending aneurysm for a couple more weeks every now and then I’ll compile a list of all the news from the week that I cared about so little it kind of pissed me off. So if you’re not sure you’ll be able to drag your broken psyche to Friday evening without a healthy dose of cynicism, hit the jump and we’ll get through this together.

Anything Pokemon Go

Look I’ll be honest – I enjoy a good Pokemon game. Granted they’re all mostly the same but still, leveling up a character and fighting increasingly more powerful characters is as dependable a draw-card in gaming as nudity is in movies.

I’ve never been sucked into the whole “Catch ‘em all!” thing however, because I’m capable of identifying things that have no value and my twelfth birthday was sixteen years ago.

Running around the “real world” and peering into my smartphone trying to catch digital children’s cartoons is more surely a sign of the end of times than if I’d seen the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse in line at the McDonald’s drive-thru.

YouTubers meet the Pope

I hate YouTubers – that is, people who make their living exclusively off of YouTube videos. I find them insufferably insincere and annoying, and their frenzied enthusiasm tends to piss me off more than a Buzzfeed article in my Facebook feed.

I can scarcely fathom all the backward hats and loud exclamations about how they were going to high-five His Holiness or bring the Pope weed brownies, none of which happened.

It’s just such a dumptruck of pandering horseshit – huehue I’m the Pope what is this new-fangled YouTube thing you kids are doing; huehue we’re a bunch of unpalatable entitled millennials with stupid haircuts, woah dude the Pope is a pretty cool bro I’m going to show him my Pokemon collection.

I hate everything about this, and I hope to be watching a tell-all documentary in fifteen years time about the Vatican hitsquad that came for all of them.

Stay cool, homie.
Stay cool, homie.

A countdown appears on the Evolve website

So once again Turtle Rock reaches inside the rotting corpse of Evolve like some kind of grotesque puppeteer and tries to make it dance one more time.

I generally avoid all Evolve news due to a deep sense of shame, like the way I feel when someone mentions a Spice Girl and I uncomfortably remember that I did (and likely still do) know the lyrics to all their songs.

My Evolve shame is simple – I never bought it. After bitching and moaning that there’s never anything new or innovative in the video game space and lauding Evolve as being brave enough to go against the grain, I watched on idly as it died a slow and painful death; like stepping over a man in the throes of a heart attack because I wanted to hit the KFC before it closed.

Now hitting humiliating peak Steam user counts in the 150-odd range, it’s hard to imagine anything can electrify this Frankenstein’s monster back to life – with the possible exception of making it free.

Vote on who will appear on the FIFA 17 cover

You know what’s more boring than soccer (cue the triggering of the #realfans because I said “soccer”)? Nothing at all. I’d rather play Hatoful Boyfriend with clamps hooked up to a car battery attached to my nipples than sit through 90 minutes of something almost happening.

I lost interest in the FIFA franchise when it started to feel less like a video game and more like a soccer game, which to me is like making a Call of Duty game where Samuel L Jackson watches you play and shoots you every time you get shot in the game. If I wanted realism, I’d confront the nightmarish RPG called Real Life and descend into irrevocable madness.

So then, to adjust my answer to my first question – the only thing more boring than soccer is voting on which overpaid star of the most boring sport in the world appears on the cover of a game that gave up being a game in favour of accurately emulating the most boring sport in the world.

I'm voting for this guy because he looks too young to go to the midnight release.
I’m voting for this guy because he looks too young to go to the midnight release.

CS:GO gambling controversy

For those not in the know, there was a recent scandal where a bunch of YouTubers pretended to win big on a skin-gambling site that they own. They made a bunch of videos promoting it saying things like “just found this new site, seems really cool”.

Unfortunately, the idiots who watch these videos apparently think that spinning a roulette wheel of gunskins is a totally reliable way of making money, which put them firmly in the category reserved for horoscope readers and people who eat dirt.

The reason I have no interest in it is that the discussion around it is about as thrilling as “is it still murder if I’m really sorry?”, the answer to which is of course “Yes, but we’ll knock nine years off your sentence if you promise that you’re super-duper sorry”.

These assholes are promoting gambling to pre-pubescent schoolchildren with the lame loophole of a currency go-between, of course it’s illegal and of course it should be better regulated. In other related news, Ebola is still the best way to bleed from your ass and die and Chernobyl has still not cracked the Top 10 Romantic Holiday rankings.

The best deals in Steam history

That’s right, this is an article all about how cheap games were once upon a time, but aren’t anymore. I don’t know if I have some kind of severe frontal lobe damage, but there’s few things I care less about than sales that are no longer available and they’re all named Kardashian.

If I wanted to look at things I used to be able to afford but can’t anymore, I’d just look at the petrol price from a year ago. Keep a lookout for the next entries into this thrilling article series, including The Best Multiplayer Games That No Longer Have Servers and The Best Columns of the Last Decade That Return 404 Errors.