I am, if nothing else, a man of science. I have a Master of Arts degree after all, and everyone knows the Arts are the greatest of all sciences.
Using my keen scientific mind and passion for well-researched, painstakingly fact-checked journalism, I have compiled a list of five new discoveries I have made which I am now certain are true.
Now you may disagree with some, but just try and keep in mind that you are unequivocally wrong, and are simply dealing in matters your simple mind cannot grasp. Enlightenment awaits you, after the jump.
FPS on console is terrible
As Helen Keller once said after scoring a perfect zero in ten-pin bowling, “I tried.”
Most of my attempts at playing the likes of Destiny involve flailing the crosshair around the screen until the auto-aim kicks in. It’s just so SLOW. I can’t imagine how people play the likes of Overwatch with a controller; the thought of trying to land a Roadhog hook while waiting for the joysticks to align their axes makes me want to hang myself by my underpants.
The worst part is I’ve watched videos of console gameplay and it doesn’t look like a cognitively delayed chimpanzee is hitting himself in the face with the controller – it actually looks quite smooth. I imagine console veterans would rather have Harambe babysit their children than watch me play a round of Battlefield.
Of course, in true Dunning-Kruger fashion I’m going to take zero responsibility and tell you that FPS games on console offer around the same enjoyment level as having a sedated panda lazily feast on your balls.
I’m terrible at Overwatch
Now I’ve never played Overwatch on a console, but if I did I imagine it would look a lot like me playing Overwatch on PC.
I should tell you that, in general, I’m relatively decent at FPS games. I was pretty good at Quake III. I played CoD 4 semi-competitively. I am competent in Counter-Strike, which is like saying I’m competent at solving complex equations while juggling with my feet.
For some reason, however, every time I see that Overwatch logo I have a massive stroke and wade around the battlefield like a drunken hobo looking for the papsak he dropped three days ago.
I figured that maybe the problem was that I needed to focus in on one hero, so of course I picked Genji because making people angry in video games is like sex for me. Yet after 20-odd games I found I was still throwing shurikens around people and never into them, like I was doing a particularly impressive magic trick.
Board games are better than video games
It’s New Age GAMING, don’t look at me like you just walked in on me going through your sister’s underwear drawer. This is a board game-friendly zone.
I plan on trying to put a little more board game content up here in the future, because my eyes have been opened to a world that’s strategically deeper and more engaging than any video game I’ve played.
While I might have to grind for 12 hours in the likes of Destiny to feel as though I’ve achieved something, board games give you an epic, complete experience in a couple of hours. You may have built a grand empire, created a beautiful engine that produces money like your own personal board game blesser, or perhaps you’ve destroyed everyone else’s forces through bloody combat and emerged the victor.
You do all this with your friends gathered around the play area with you so all the interaction is engaging and personal and tactile, with much opportunity for shit-talking and sadistic enjoyment at each other’s demise. And, real talk, it feels really good to not be staring at a screen.
Windows 10 is terrible
I tried, I really did. But like every iteration of Windows since 7, it appears to just be adding things designed to piss you off. Windows is the Adam Sandler movies of software – each one is worse than the last.
I was playing a game the other day and it told me to restart to install some update to add Facebook integration to its Edge browser or put 17 more buttons into the taskbar or some other horseshit I don’t want or need. When I clicked “Schedule” instead of “Restart Now”, all my options were greyed out. As in, there are no options, we’re restarting this bitch in 15 minutes and it’s gonna be an hour before it’s functional again. Which is oddly analogous to my sexual performance.
Everything is slower too, and my icons keep changing colour all the time because Windows is trying to talk to me, like those gorillas that think they’re people and are forced to live out a tortured, confused existence in which nobody ever teaches them how to sign “kill me”.
You guys are the best
In spite of me coming back week after week to deliver rehashed dick jokes disguised as video game commentary, you guys continue to read my articles and write awesome comments – and even when you troll, it is done so gloriously.
So let me finish off this week by saying I want to make sweet, passionate love to every one of you. Or maybe just buy you a beer, if you’d prefer.
So thanks to all of you, because without you having Dane paddle me with a spiked cricket bat every week would hardly seem worth it.