News I Don’t Care About – September


Well, it’s that time of the month again. Every so often (read: every week) I find myself unable to come up with anything clever or interesting to talk about, so instead I just rant incoherently about the miasma (big word which I’ve also used incorrectly) of things that pissed me off during the past month.

It’s just about right for a Thursday morning in what feels like the longest week I’ve ever had since the discontinuation of Ghost Pops – and possibly the week when they brought back the new, shitty version. So fire up the salt mills (not a real thing, also not powered by fire) and hit the jump to find out what’s wrong with everything you’ve ever loved.

Win a Pokémon wearable accessory

Holy shit, just when I thought I’d seen the last of grown men flinging cartoon balls at phallus-monsters, apparently now you can let everyone know you never made it past the second stage of development by strapping a plastic Pokéball to your arm.

Impress your friends and co-workers with the adjustable armband, and good luck explaining the situation to your local police department when you’re caught boasting about your balls to children.

DayZ creator is making a new, big multiplayer game

Wait, hasn’t this guy not finished his first big multiplayer game yet? We can only assume he’s also going to abandon this next “big game” like a trashcan baby the second he gets bored with it, like every well-intentioned LEGO project I’ve ever started. Does it even count as “creating” something if you never complete it?

On an unrelated note, I just created the world’s first self-driving electric car with integrated VR porn and attached laser rifles. All I’ve finished so far is this AA battery I found in my desk though. Look out for me on the cover of Time.

My genius is unparalleled.
My genius is unparalleled.

What if Uncharted 4 on the PS4 Pro ran at 60fps?

No, no, NO. I say this without a hint of irony: you can all f**k right off, right now. You don’t get to bang the old “cinematic” drum and tell me there’s no difference between 30fps and 60fps for a decade or however long it’s been that your crappy consoles with your poorly-optimised, rushed-out games have been unable to render anything the way Our Lord Gaben intended, and THEN when they finally throw enough hardware into that plastic box to handle gaming as it should be, you declare it to be the greatest thing since government-issued flavoured condoms.

Don’t you f**king dare.

Anything Star Wars Battlefront

I think we can all agree the Internet mob gave this one the Joaquin Phoenix thumbs-down several months ago, and we all cheered and threw cabbages when it got stabbed in the toe with an axe and decapitated. Or something. It’s been a while since I watched that movie.

Point is, when your new game launches you’ve only got about a month or two at most to capitalise on the runaway hype-train and if you don’t rush out that first patch and convince everyone that your game really is better than watching Cartoon Network and masturbating, then you’ve lost them. Now if you’ll excuse me, The Powerpuff Girls is on.

*ziiiiiiip- No, no I can't do it. Some jokes are just too much, even for me.
*ziiiiiiip- No, no I can’t do it. Some jokes are just too much, even for me.

Star Citizen FPS changes

Holy shit, this game is an FPS now? Was it always like this? I pretty much glaze over any time I see a game that has something to do with giant ships floating through space like me five minutes after the buffet closes, but I was stunned to find that this game has a legit FPS component as well.

Just kidding, I wasn’t surprised at all. To be honest I’m more surprised there isn’t a line of Star Citizen branded underwear by now, and that the game doesn’t also have a campaign mode that’s a fantasy dungeon crawler with VR support.

This dude has so much Kickstarter money he seems to just be stapling things onto this game like a cut-rate Frankenstein’s monster, and at the rate this is going I imagine we’ll be on alpha build 17.6 sometime around 2027.

PES 2017 has real team names with the right patch

Ever since FIFA and the like became “realistic”, I’ve gotten to the point where I’d rather sodomise myself with a rusty pitchfork than fumble my way through a game of it.

PES is one such title, but for me its only saving grace was that all the teams had stupid names, which made the game funny for the first thirty seconds or so, after which you’re left contemplating whether or not your underwear has enough tensile strength to suspend you from the ceiling by your neck.

Honestly, I’d be far more interested in a patch that lets you name your own teams. At least then I could watch the Hull City Harambes duke it out with the Birmingham Boners while the Fulham Fisters wait to play the winner.

PS Vita isn’t dead in Japan

Well this is certainly newsworthy. In other related stories, the VW Beetle isn’t dead in Central Africa, talking out the side of your face isn’t dead in the East Rand, and the Spice Girls are still alive and well in my heart.