These new Cabbage Patch dolls with LCD eyes totally probably maybe won’t devour your soul


I know what you’re thinking. “Tarryn,” you’re thinking. “You’ve slipped through the murky divides between space and time, from a future of hellfire and damnation, to warn us of this impending plastic apocalypse.”

No, because I don’t need supernatural powers to see what’s already so obvious.

I mean. LOOK AT THIS THING. I bet those bloated cheeks are full of lies and locusts.

“These life-like babies combine traditional play patterns with groundbreaking technology. Baby So Real’s interactive sweet baby sounds and random reactions are designed to surprise and delight. With your touch, Baby So Real™ comes to life with beautifully animated LCD eyes that open, close and look around,” promises the beguiling YouTube blurb, like speaking in tongues and constant surveillance aren’t absolutely terrifying.

“Loaded with realistic features that encourage interactive nurturing play, Baby So Real™ has sensors for peek-a-boo and tickle play, feeding from a special bottle, burping, diaper changing, and rocking to sleep. If your baby should develop a fever, you can calm those red cheeks by administering TLC from a magical spoon. Just like the original Cabbage Patch Kids, Baby So Real is soft and cuddly with removable clothes.”

Removable clothes? More like the last of the seven seals, the gauzy barrier between humanity and shrieking cataclysm.

The demonic orphan also comes with a companion app which possessed children can use as a sort of virtual nursery “where you can play with your baby, feed her, change her diaper, burp her, and share your love and care”, presumably accruing unholy favour for the Hell of Earth that is surely almost upon us.

Repent now.