Hall of Shame: Four confessions that’ll have you revoking my nerd card

I’m a fraud. I pretend to be Khal Nerdo, King of the Nerds, but I have some skeletons in my closet that would have you lined up with pitchforks, demanding that I relinquish my nerd card and associated benefits.

So in the interest of transparency in journalism, I’m offering myself up for your judgment, and inviting you to join me. Read mine, then cleanse the burden on your soul in the comments.

I don’t really like Star Wars

We’re starting out pretty heavy here. Not liking Star Wars is a bit like not liking puppies – you feel like you have to explain yourself, and it’s something you tend not to tell anyone.

I don’t HATE it, I just don’t really get it. The acting is poor, the writing is poor, the dialogue is mostly awful and the stories aren’t particularly compelling. Star Wars being the massive global phenomenon it is makes me feel like I’m on The Truman Show and everyone is just pretending.

The universe is admittedly pretty cool, but it feels like every movie squanders the potential it has. I still watch them all, because Star Wars, but The Force Awakens was like a 6/10 movie for me. I’m sorry.

I’ve never played Halo or Gears of War and know nothing about them

Master Chief, right guys? Right?

Xbox’s biggest franchises are completely lost on me. I’ve never played them, I’ve never watched anyone play them, and I’ve never owned an Xbox. I couldn’t name two characters from each game.

Which is pretty sad, because I feel like the Halo memes are on point. My only real exposure to Halo at all is the first seasons of Red vs Blue which used to get passed around LANs several million years ago.

In spite of this overwhelming feeling I have that Halo is a franchise that needs to go gentle into that good night, I know that the first couple of games were pretty revolutionary for their time. And by “I know” I mean “people told me”, because I don’t know a damned thing about any of this.

This dude’s wearing a helmet, so it must be Master Chief.

I have a PS4 and I never use it

In spite of my best intentions to use the damn thing, my PS4 sits sadly in the corner, glaring at me with its reproachful orange eye.

“Don’t give me that look,” I say, talking to an inanimate object and questioning my sanity. “You know how busy I’ve been.”

“Not too busy to rack up 20 hours of CS:GO in the last two weeks,” the PS4 replies, its voice sounding clearly through my tinfoil hat.

“That’s different!” I shout back, knowing that it’s not. “I’m trying to go pro!” But the PS4’s all-seeing orange eye knows my rank and my lies, and begins to cry softly.

I never play on hard

I’ve complained a lot in the past about games today being too easy, but given the option at the beginning of every game, I never, never choose hard.

My ego can’t quite allow me to go with easy either, but I’m a normal guy to the end. So am I a hypocrite?

Sort of. Thing is, I quite enjoy games that are naturally challenging. I play a lot of games with steep learning curves, and I absolutely love stuff like Super Meat Boy that just about drives you batshit with how punishing it is.

But if “hard” means “enemies have more health and do more damage”, I’m not really interested. I just don’t much like having to battle through twenty henchmen who can tank four bazooka hits to the face and shoot hand grenades instead of bullets.

It feels sort of like cheating in the opposite direction, and generally I like to experience a game without having to struggle through every level. I guess I’ve just gotten old.

So gamers and nerds alike, what are your dirty little secrets? Come and sit on Uncle Chris’s lap and whisper in my ear. Or, you know, just tell me in the comments.