PUBG has pretty much consumed my gaming life. It’s my first Battle Royale game, I don’t know if others were better but damn if this game isn’t fun as all hell.

It’s also kind of a broken mess, and a painful reminder of why I don’t usually buy Early Access anything. It’s been real PUBG, but I’m ready to move onto something younger and hotter.

There’s nothing quite so uniquely frustrating about loving something so much and simultaneously feeling like it’s been looked after by a pack of poorly trained chimpanzees who found the keys to the liquor cabinet.

The story of PUBG is pretty interesting. A dude named Brendan Greene made a mod for a mod – an Arma 2 DayZ battle royale spin-off. From there, he did the same thing in Arma 3, and then was brought on to the H1Z1 (now known as Just Survive) team to teach them all his super-cool battle royale knowledge.

PUBG began when South Korean studio Bluehole picked up Greene and made him creative director on their new project – a standalone battle royale game.

Here’s where it all goes to shit. The game was cobbled together in about a year, with a ragtag group of coders who used assets from the Unreal Engine 4 marketplace.

All those buildings in PUBG? Pre-bought assets from the UE4 marketplace copy-pasted around the map, in case you were wondering why they all look the same. Part of what makes this such a monumentally shit idea is that some of those copy-pastes are intended to be entire deathmatch maps by themselves, which means plonking them in the middle of a massive open world gives you exactly the kind of crappy performance you’ve come to expect from PUBG.

This game is the new Crysis, if Crysis had looked like Minecraft on an NES emulator. The most beastly computers in the world won’t give you a stable frame rate without everything cranked to low, and the game does NOT have the visuals to match.

Ah, the crisp, cool 2007 aesthetic.

The game went on to sell more copies than a barista with a speech impediment, and now we’re left with the optimisation and development of arguably the most popular game in the world being handled by people who used pre-made assets instead of making their own.

What I’m saying here is that I’m ready to move on. I should probably be rooting for the little guy, but the truth is I want some giant AAA studio to rip off PUBG completely, and make it smooth and beautiful and well optimised with bitching netcode and local servers.

The gameplay is beautiful. The concept is simple but executed perfectly, but it’s just grown too fast for an indie studio that’s in way over its head. Seeing the struggles that the likes of CS:GO have had with hit registering and other issues critical to the success of an esports game that continue even today, I guess it’s safe to say that I don’t have faith in Bluehole turning this ship around.

Activision needs to send a Black Ops team in there to abduct Greene and drain his brain with that Starship Troopers thing that looked like an obese Pokémon.  I’ll miss you, PUBG. We’ve laughed, we’ve cried, we’ve spent days apart due to server issues – but now I’m ready to share my nights with someone willing to do all the things you won’t.

P.S. Don’t anybody mention Fortnite. That game blows.

More stuff like this: