Red Dead Redemption 2’s horses feature dynamic testicle physics, so that’s very… innovative

You know how your balls shrivel up in the cold? I mean, I wouldn’t know because I don’t have balls although maybe my ovaries do the same thing but probably not and now I’m getting distracted and so anyway, in Red Dead Redemption 2 – just like in real life – balls shrivel up in the cold. Show mom and dad next time they’re complaining that you waste so much time playing stupid video games, and you tell them that this is the future.

The news comes via an data dump from RockstarIntel, compiled from a number of media sources, and also confirms that horses poop in the game, you can’t kill your own horse but it can die and then it’s gone forever, you can give your horse a name, you can teach your horse tricks, and you can style your horse’s main and braid its tail like you’re a 10-year old girl. That’s a lot of horse stuff, for some reason. Besides the creepy equine fetish checklist, though, some of the other info includes:

  • The in-game map comprises five states -Amberino, Lemoyne, New Hanover, New Austin, and West Elizabeth.
  • You can drive trains.
  • Poker, Five Finger Fillet, dominoes, and fishing are among the in-game activities.
  • Weapons and clothing are customisable.
  • If you kill a civilian, their family might decide to claim some frontier vengeance.

But, like, mostly the balls shrivelling up in the cold because in about 10 years or so, the Wikipedia article about dynamic testicle physics tech will cite Red Dead Redemption 2 as the first game to introduce it, prompting an industry paradigm shift and the subsequent launch of several megahit new franchises about horse balls in diverse weather conditions. Maybe.

Game’s out on PS4 and Xbox One next month, 26 October.

Get ready for a hay-baling hootenanny with the new Farming Simulator esports league