Ed’s note: Drunken Master is a semi-demi-hemi-regular sort of… thing, written by our resident misanthrope and box wine connoisseur, Henry Dowling. The opinions expressed in the text below belong solely to the author, and not necessarily to NAG Online, or some other group, organisation, committee, or individual(s). Maybe.
The text is mostly unedited to maintain authenticity and a plausible case for diminished capacity, and also because we don’t even know what he’s going on about and it’s kind of too much work on a Wednesday.
Star Citizen, the worlds most advanced piece of vapourware, has now hit the ridiculous milestone of $200m in funding. Funding from people like you and me, except that they believe in the Tooth Fairy (and before you throw poo at me, at least I gave the rodent the honour of giving him/her Capital Letters), True Love, and climate change. LOL that was so a joke. The last bit. Climate change is real, and the only people who say otherwise are coal magnates. What the fluff is a magnate, though, right? If you’re a bra from the sand lands and you’ve got feckloads of oil, you’re an oil baron. But if you’re a china who owns moerse holes in the ground in which hundreds of unfortunate folks are tossed daily to klap away at the cave walls to check for gold or platinum or coal or whatever, then you’re a magnate. And as I’m saying that I’ve become painfully aware that I know zero about coal mining. It’s got something to do with canaries, dun’nit?
I think the word you’re looking for is “…anyway”.
So, Star Citizen.
I can proudly admit that I know very little about it. It’s a KickFundStarter thing, I reckon, and it’s looking down right spectacular, that I know. So far it’s all looking so amazing that it’s like, like, oh my (imaginary friend), is this even possible?
NO IT”S FUCKING NOT pOSSIUVLY .
It’s a lie. It’s Duke Nukem Forever. It’s Half Life THREEPEEO. Except that Duke Nukem Forever became a real thing, and then we instantly wished it had remained vapourware. Goodness, I’ve read the word “vaporware” so many times over my 28 years or so that I’ve been reading about video games that I was quite taken aback when this here spell thing tuned me VAPOUR, bra, not VAPOR.
Just recently we had a little news piece here on good ol’ NAG, penned by my colleague, my superior, and my friend (citation required), Tarryn Of The Axe, about how Star Citizen had fleeced the world of another million of god’s cleanest dollars on the back of a new trailer. And you people wen’t thermonuclear. Proper mental. I remember coming on to the NAG backchannel and asking the important people who sign the cheques what the problem was – from what I could tell, the young lass had done naught but report the news, adding a little NAG personality spice along the way, as we’re wont to do.
BUT IT TRIGGERED SOME OF YOU SO HARD YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE IN A FUCKING CLINT EASTWOOD MOVIE.
So let me just make this very clear… This right here… this right here… is not news, its an opinion piece. An opinion piece tossed together by a degenerate with no more right to dwell on this dirty earth than the common weasel. It’s so not news, in fact, that I’ve entirely forgotten what I was talking about. And then sometimes I wonder if someone isn’t going to complain to the Broadcast Commission or the EFF or the BBC or someone important about the fact that NAG pays someone to get drunk and rant about whatever is on his mind.
AND TO YOU I SAY UP YOURS, UP YOURS ALL THE WAY TO THE KNUCKLE.
Because I don’t get paid for this. I am a one man, living, breathing, non-profit organisation. I am tasked – by myself – to bring truth. And here it is.
Star Citizen is going to be in “Early Access” or “Green Light” or “God Forsaken Trial Mode” until long after I’m dead. And I mean dead by natural causes, not dead by 40 Xanax in a deserted Holiday Inn.
You will all be actual star citizens before Star Citizen is released. DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE WORDS THAT ARE COMING OUT OF MY KEYBOARD?
I was looking at that last line now and it reminded me of Game Informer. Y’all know Game Informer. It’s a magazine of a website of a magazine. Game Informer has these “articles” where the journalist (LOL we’re just gamers who spent time with Mavis Beacon Teaches Typing) throws out two brief paragraphs of bloodstained hyperbole, and then, just when you’re waiting for the kid to get his/her teeth into the bones of the subject, exclaims something along the lines of “Now it’s up to you, our readers, to have your say, in the comments below!”. Cheerful as a mother fucker. Such a cop out.
Okay, lets get serious for a moment.
It’s not the best GTA. GTA IV is the best GTA. But it’s most definitely the most expansive, where each inch of expanse is condensed beyond anything that has come before. Okay, so I went outside for a smoke just now and I’m not entirely sure what I was planning to say about GTA V.
Oh. Yes, okay, so GTA V is immense, minute, and immaculate. It took a brazillion years to make, its cost to humanity is more than mere balance sheets could account for, and it cost somewhere around $250m to make. And then it was released, proper released, and it was worth it. Right? Right. Star Citizen is nearing on that total, except that it’s a bill being footed by you and I – the veritable man on the street. We’ve got half finished space stations, we’ve got promises of Brexit-like proportions, we’ve got trailers starring Will Smith and Taylor Swift and Yahweh himself. But we need a game. In a fucking box. On a fucking shelf. That, we don’t have.
What perplexes me most, I guess, is that it bothers some of you when the gaming press elite (ie. us) insinuate that Star Citizen is a pipe dream.
What about that concept makes you froth at the mouth? Did you make it? Did your aunty do the texture mapping on the Mos Eisley Canteen? Is it your baby?
It takes me back to living with my parents and coming down to the lounge on a Sunday evening and, during a Carte Blanche commercial break, exclaiming loudly that “The 8 0’clock movie is incredible and it’s one of the greatest movies ever made and it represents me in ways that only Descartes could understand”, and then cringing through the entire film, making the crystal buildup in the arches of my feet swell each time a timeless monologue is overlooked or a venomous diatribe is ignored, as if the film in question was of my making. “Why are you being so reactionary”, my mother would scorn, trusting that I didn’t really know what reactionary meant, and being quite right.
But we do that, don’t we? We love something – something that we had no hand in – and we dote on it as if it was our own.
Like, I don’t work in Cupertino, Tim Cooke isn’t the cousin who pays my wages, yet I’m emotionally invested in Apple, for my own reasons. Talk shit about the notch on the iPhone TEN, and I’ll be up in your grill like something out of Goodfellers. That’s how we are.
But that doesn’t make it okay. Human nature is no excuse to be a poes.
So, when someone posts an article regarding the inevitably disappointing nature of the never-happeningness of Star Citizen, it’s actually not okay t0 take that as a personal attack on you, the consumer. It’s just words. Typed by another person. Who is also never going to see Star Citizen properly released in the murky foreverness of time.
For the record – and because I always like my lectures to have some educational merit – this evening’s rant has been brought to you by Diemersfontein’s Chocolate Shiraz, Amarula, and a savage weekend hangover curated by South American folk I’m not allowed to mention on air.
In the mean time, go and replay the Mass Effect trilogy. It’s in space, it’s got sex with aliens, and it’s a thing that actually exists.
SIDE BAR (bottom bar) (FOOT NOTE): Wikus Carstens, if you’re out there, last time there was a thing where I threw a random question out doing one of my prophecies, and you caught onto it, but the recompense for your goodness was an Xbox One game, but you didn’t have an Xbox One…. so, instead of sliding another stupid quiz into this “article”, this is a shoutout to you, to tell me which PS4 or Steam game you want within a R1000.00 budget, and I’ll sort you out. Comment here on this article, or find me on the NAG discord, I’m “Superadmin”.
I’m Audi 5000.