Drink like Dutch! No, not that one, the original one

Before the Dutch that broke our hearts and left us to die, there was Dutch: manliest man to ever man. And now there’s a bourbon whiskey with his name on it that is trying very hard to appeal to your nostalgia for Predator and also 80’s masculinity. If 2018 has taught us anything, it’s that nostalgia is everything.

The Silver Screen Bottling Company, which brought us other classic move and game tie-in merchandise, such as Montgomery Scott blended scotch whisky, James T. Kirk Reserve bourbon, and Nuka Dark rum, has now brought out Dutch bourbon whiskey for fans of the 1987 sci-fi action classic, Predator. Relevant? No. Likely to make them money? Yes!

However, it’s the advertising that’s the real work of art here. It’s trying so terribly hard: “Filling a glass, the aroma digs in like an Alabama tick. Knock, knock…this is quality. You take a sip, and the smooth taste takes you away on a chopper of blended flavors. Like a rescue team, not assassins.”

I get the reference, but I’m not sure I want much to do with an aroma that burrows into my skin and has the potential to give me Lyme disease… Also: “This whiskey will do more than cover you with mud, it will take you to a new level with its full-bodied flavor and hints of vanilla, coconut, and bergamont [sic].”

Again, I get the reference, but is being covered in mud something we expect from our whiskey these days? You do you, I guess. I’m also going to assume they meant bergamot, the fragrant citrus fruit, and not Bergamont, the German bike manufacturer. Although, essence of bicycle is probably slightly more on-brand. Helicopters are just sky bikes, right?

CLICKBAIT: Game of Thrones, self-driving cars, and the history of Myst