Nike’s new self-lacing sneakers can’t be updated over Android and humanity is doomed

As we hurtle towards the bleak future of humanity, as foretold in the Disney documentary, WALL-E, Nike has brought out a pair of self-lacing sneakers, because bending is haaaaard and tying stuff is for losers.

The Nike Adapt BB uses fancy tech to automatically adjust lace tension, customising the fit according to the wearer’s needs. As your feet swell, during a hard session on the court, they loosen up, tightening again once your feet have calmed down. You can use the phone app to tweak these adjustments, check the battery life (of your shoes), and choose what colour you want the little lights to be.

Of course, as with any technology, your shoes will require firmware updates. According to the Android Police, even though Nike suggests the shoes are Android compatible, they become unusable if you try to update them via an Android device. Android users are reporting trouble pairing the shoes with their devices, causing the shoes to crash and become unusable, while iPhone owners go prancing by, pretty lights atwinkle. Apparently you need to hard reset your shoes or, if that doesn’t work, borrow a friend that owns an iPhone.

You could also just not spend almost R5000 on a pair of shoes that will, more than likely, turn against you in the coming robot apocalypse.

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