10 of the most stupid video game petitions ever

Are gamers too entitled? Maybe you think not because this, that, and SJWs, but you’re wrong and we’ve got the evidence to prove it.

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BAN FORTNITE

Fortnite Season 9

In the category of “BAN THIS SICK VIDEO GAME” on petition websites, Fortnite is first, last, and everywhere in between. More petitions to ban Epic’s battle royale have been started than you could even count, although it’s safe to assume most of them are jokes – others, though, maybe not so much. It’s the internet, so it’s hard to tell sometimes.

It’s since been scrubbed, but a Change.org petition by Chloe DePalma demanded that Epic “get rid of” the game, because “girls have to deal with their boyfriends playing it all day and ignoring them”, claiming that it’s “taking over our boyfriends lives and brainwashing them”.

I mean, she’s probably not entirely wrong.

ALSO, BAN DMC

Ninja Theory’s Devil May Cry reboot wasn’t exactly what this guy expected. The solution? Ask the president to intervene, because it’s not like he has more important things to do.

Submitted to the White House petitions website in January 2013, this one has also since been scrubbed, but the original text – including its grammar and spelling mistakes – has been saved in the archives of forever for historical purposes.

Dear Mr. Obama: As a consumer to the Video Game Industry there is one Video Game that has caused a lot of controversy over the past few month’s.

The name of the game is DmC: Devil May Cry made by Ninja Theory and Capcom. A majority of gamer’s are aggravated that this game has changed so much from it’s past predecessors and the game actually insults the consumers in-game.

We, as consumers did not want nor need this reboot and we believe it violates our rights to have a choice between the original’s or the reboot. This game is violating our rights as a consumer and we believe it should be pulled off shelves from game stores due to it’s insulting nature and the fact that it violates our rights.

Please Mr. Obama, look into your heart and make the decision that will please us Gamers.

At publish time, DmC: Devil May Cry is available to purchase.

AND ALSO, BAN VIOLENT VIDEO GAMES

Because we’ve got to get to the source.

“Totally ban all violent video games that ‘de-sensitizes’ people from the the gross and graphic nature of ‘murdering’ people/animals, etc. The effect of losing the sense of reality and even transgressing the games to real life. Definitely much more damaging than violence on TV and movies,” this petition on MoveOn explains. “Almost like training or brainwashing a person to either bring out the participant’s aggression to act upon or to condone the behavior in the game(s).”

The petition’s intended recipients include Donald Trump, who is definitely known for his tenacious grasp of reality.

FIRE ANITA SARKEESIAN FROM THE MIRROR’S EDGE 2 DEVELOPMENT TEAM

Citing that she has “no credibility or experience”, an “agenda”, and also “no experience” for a second time in case you missed it, this petition on Change.org asked EA to remove feminist critic and internet enemy number one Anita Sarkeesian from the Mirror’s Edge 2 development team.

“She is merely a self proclaimed critic,” petition creator Danielle Bristol claimed, “and her opinions should offer no sound foundations in the development of this or any game.”

Over 50,000 people signed the petition.

Except Anita Sarkeesian was not ever on the Mirror’s Edge 2 development team, nor involved in the game’s production whatsoever, so…

… Awkward.

THIS ONE ABOUT HORSES, BECAUSE OBVIOUSLY

Free-to-play browser horse breeding sim game Howrse (published by Ubisoft, lol) became the subject of one player’s very indignant outrage in 2015 because… actually, I don’t know. It’s a lot, but the petition includes a poem so that’s got to count for something.

Dear Howrse,

Why did you add the VIP
When the Pegasus was fine?
The game was perfect then
Yes, quite alright.

Why did you take our reserves
And throw them into one?
We had to manage both
But now it’s half the fun!

Why would you change the looks
When it was organized just fine
Sales where they were supposed to be
The exchange and store, why are they not combined?

Why would you drive away your top players
And act like you don’t care?
Look at all of these retired breeders
And tell me that it’s fair

Why would you add the teams
When you could have compromised?
One of the best on the net
Seems now just like a lie

Why did you change our emojis?
And improve them so you say
Nobody sheds just a tear
It doesn’t work that way!

Why did you discard our opinions
And push us to banners and petitions?
And decide to go your own way
And just never listen?

Why can we not post polls
When you took away our one shot
We finance this game,
Just in case you forgot!

Why would you take the farrier
And the saddler and the groom?
Where’s the realism,
Now that you’ve got the room.

Why did you remove objectives
And just give us trophies
Was there a better reason?
Something we fail to see?

Now that we’re on that topic,
Failing to see
Why do you not understand,
We lend you our time,
It’s not yours to keep.

Why can we not sell graphics
If we put in the time
Not like any of it’s real
We aren’t making a dime!

Why do you insist on adding Divines
That aren’t even rare?
And not see those that worked for them
Think you do not care?

Why do you not see
The steep fall ahead?
Turn the other way,
So many players have said.

What happened to the Classifieds?
When it was all so easy
Post at 12 pm
And have an offer in the evening

Why do we have to spend 1% of our reserve
Paying vet fees and covering our mares?
A minimum of 200, and a max of 2500
That’s just absurd!

Why are unicorns so common
Because you decreased 6 to 5
And added a VIP perk of 4?
We can’t take any of this anymore!

Perhaps you’ll have to take the fall,
To see the error of your ways
Taking your players for granted,
And losing them in a maze?

Not just any maze, though
This is a maze of hope
We’re trying to get this through to you,
But you tell us don’t!

I wish you well,
As I now wrap up,
Trying to make a point,
Us players have had enough!

And you may never see this
But we’ve got the knowledge
Not to take over,
But to show you what’s best.

Signed,

Taken for granted players

Horse people. Not even once.

MINECRAFT NEEDS PANCAKES

Toy Story Mash-Up Minecraft

What’s worse – that somebody thinks Minecraft should add pancakes, or that 52 other people think so too? YOU DECIDE.

CANCEL FAR CRY 5 OR ELSE

One more for the “I DUNNO IF IT’S A JOKE, BUT IT’S A TRAGIC INDICTMENT Of HUMANITY IF IT ISN’T” category, this petition on Change.org to cancel Far Cry 5 because of Ubisoft’s “multicultural lectures and your preachy games aimed at degenerates and miscegenators” is very special for the wrong reasons.

“We, the American gamers that make up the majority of your userbase, demand to you cancel this game, or alter it to be less offensive to your main player base,” Gamers United declares on behalf of an unelected majority, with zero apparent irony and the undaunted confidence of somebody who assumes they would be the elected majority anyway. “In these times, you must understand that there might be some violent repurcussions [sic] if you intend to follow through with your pointless criticism.”

Okay, but I wouldn’t vote for you.

MY CAT SHOULD BE IN ANIMAL CROSSING

So should one of my cats, Amanda, but I didn’t start a petition even though my cats are totally more adorable than yours and 543 people are wrong.

REMOVE THIS METACRITIC REVIEW BECAUSE IT’S NOT MY OPINION, IT’S SOMEBODY ELSE’S OPINION

Naughty Dog’s Uncharted series is a megahit with the opinions of fans, maybe, but not necessarily the opinions of people that review the games. This is controversial, even though reviews are opinions, and opinions are, you know, opinions. And as such, The Washington Post’s review opinion of Uncharted 4: A Thief’s End was not an opinion that could be tolerated by the opinions of other people. FACTS NOT FEELINGS.

“Im [sic]. sorry but when having too much detail became a bad thing, this reviewer is out of his mind. I believe U4 is one of the greatest games ever created and it is my personal favorite for sure, although i can justify some reviewers giving it a 9 or an 8,” writes Dimitris Xorikos on Petition.org, with the constant certainty of a person whose mom never told him no, you shouldn’t eat that because it’s made of plastic and you could choke on it. “But this is an utter disgrace.”

The review, including its “Uncharted 4: A Thief’s End feels as inevitable as it does unnecessary” summary is live on Metacritic.

PETITION TO REMOVE THE PETITION TO REMOVE PETITION AGAINST CLOUD IN SMASH!!!

What’s on the box, but I added the necessary capital letters because I’m an editor like that.

When Final Fantasy hero Cloud was added to Smash Bros.. whichever version launched around 2015, somebody wasn’t okay about that. And somebody else wasn’t okay about that. And somebody else wasn’t okay about that too.

And this is why we can’t have nice things.

LOL SO RANDOM
Remember… Dungeon Keeper 2?