“We, the people of the United States” petition Trump to cancel Pokémon Sword and Shield

In this week’s edition of You Can’t Make This Up, disgruntled Pokémon fans have launched a petition demanding that the White House “stop the sales” of the upcoming game, because 2019 wasn’t embarrassing enough.

But first, let’s rewind for context. The game has been the subject of some controversy since developer GameFreak confirmed that the National Dex – a backwards-compatibility feature that lets players import custom teams from previous games – would not be included in Pokémon Sword and Shield. According to producer Junichi Masuda, this is because of hardware and resource limitations, and the difficulty of creating new character models for multiple generations of Pokémon. But dataminers have since excavated the “new” models from Sword and Shield, and claim that these are the same models from 2016’s Nintendo 3DS Sun and Moon. Cue megadrama and, inevitably, I guess, this absurd petition.

We, the people of the United States of America strive for quality goods and entertainment. We, the People of the United States want what is best for our children. We, the people of the United States want what is best in our stores.

President Trump and Congress, the newest Pokemon games by Game Freak and Nintendo are negatively impacting the market with questionable decisions. We believe if the sales of the games were to stop, it will wake up Game Freak and we’ll get quality back. This will set a bad standard in the markets if these were to get sold. We, as both Pokemon fans but more importantly, American Citizens believe this is violating our Market rights and need something done about this.

I dunno what’s worse – that the petition even exists, that 193 people think this is a legitimate use of government time, or that we’re not expecting an asteroid to wipe out the planet in the immediate future.

Remember… Diablo?