Monday’s booze queues to help increase next week’s new COVID-19 cases, for science

In what epidemiologists, community health orgs, and the WHO haven’t actually, but could’ve hypothetically described as an “unprecedented event almost as unprecedented as the COVID-19 pandemic, which is also very unprecedented”, millions of South African citizens volunteered today to participate in a mass public experiment measuring the rate of transmission of the novel coronavirus at the local Spar Tops.

“It’s the kind of thing that, as medical professionals, would be super unethical for us to try with human subjects in a laboratory,” a doctor didn’t tell NAG, but you know what I mean. “These guys are the real heroes.”

The test results are expected to be analysed with empirical data from church services, which also re-open this week, to support and expand current models of COVID-19 escalation.

“Is this a righteous, pious pathogen that respects the holy sanctity of people gathered in a house of worship for the purpose of, like, worship, as opposed to a Satanic disco dance or sex party, and discriminate accordingly,” the same doctor I made up, or maybe even a priest explains. “Or not? I guess we’ll find out.”

Don't Peek
I hope you didn’t want to play Animal Crossing tonight